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Dear Makers, Owners and Operators of the Large Hadron Collider
Many members of the public seem to be concerned that today’s experiment will create a miniature black hole. One that will quickly gain energy by devouring matter, growing in size until the entire Earth...
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Dear Letting Agents, You Corrupt, Slime-Mongering Vampires
Repent for your sins! With the credit crunch forcing cash-strapped Britons to abandon ownership of their shoebox-sized homes for actual shoe boxes, nobody is happier than you, the stygian-souled...
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The Cover Letter
Fergis Writes Form Letters Occasionally weary travellers of the Interweb will stumble upon this humble site with the intention of finding something useful. Until now, they have had to move on to more...
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The Love Letter
Fergis Writes Form Letters Occasionally weary travellers of the Interweb will stumble upon this humble site with the intention of finding something useful. Until now, they have had to move on to more...
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Dear Swiftcover Insurance, and by extension, Iggy Pop
Swiftcover, the madness must stop. When I’m watching television, every time the scheduled programing ends, there’s Iggy Pop, angry and shouting about insurance. Swiftcover, no matter how much ad-time...
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Dear Tiger Woods
This letter is to offer my services as a public relations consultant. I would work for far less pay than the PR firm you have been employing so far and, if you don’t mind me saying, offer superior...
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Day 1
10:15 am: A co-worker is washing the blue chest plates used to teach CPR. He keeps repeating under his breath, “Die. Die. Die.” I am unsure if he is speaking to the chest plates or me. He suggests we...
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Day 2
6:04 pm: After a long day at work, I fantasize in great detail about my future career as ne0-bard that synopsizes films I remember to the citizens of the ramshakle hobo camps for water and food. Then I...
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Day 3
10:48 am: I wake from what feels like the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. This is surprising. The room I’m in does not have blinds or drapes and the sun is blinding. 12:21 pm: Buy guitar strings. Then go...
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Day 4
2:20 pm: Watching world cup soccer. A player elbows another player from the opposing team in the chest. That player clutches his face (not his chest) like it’s been eaten by fire ants and falls over....
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